What Are Boundaries And Why Do People Struggle With Them? 

The quality of boundaries determines how you live your life. 

They determine the quality of your relationships, your self-worth, your self-confidence, and how you feel about yourself and your life. 

Yet so many people don’t know how to set healthy boundaries; let alone express them or evaluate them when they need to. 

And if you can’t communicate who you are with authenticity and love it’s going to be super isolating for you in so many different ways. 

It’s going to be very difficult to move forward in relationships, careers, or just enjoying personal inner peace if you don’t learn how to set strong, healthy love-based boundaries in your life. 

But, what are boundaries anyway? 

Boundaries help you decide what forms of communication, behavior, or interactions are acceptable for you. 

They don’t just protect your mental and emotional health, they honor your self-worth, your self-respect, your authenticity, your purpose, and your mission in life.

So if the boundaries you have right now aren’t working for you, it’s something you have to evaluate and process right away. 

This week, we’ll go over: 

• Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Boundaries 
• Processes to identify and evaluate the boundaries you have 
• The consequences of setting boundaries 
• Practical ways to establish love-based boundaries

Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Boundaries 

I know you’re excited to get the practical, step-by-step process of how to actually set boundaries. 

But you might not be ready for that just yet — here’s why. 

Before you set more boundaries you need to have an audit of the boundaries you already have. 

Are they working for you? 

Are you happy with them? 

Are they serving your life goals? 

Are they creating connection or disconnection in relationships? 

And the most important element to consider is are your current boundaries healthy or unhealthy? 

So that begs the question; “what’s the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries?”

There’s actually 3 macro types of boundaries that we all have a mix of: 

1. Rigid boundaries: 

Tendency to isolate which keeps pain out but also keeps love out 

Hard time letting people into your life  

Struggles to share emotions and be seen as vulnerable

Avoids important conversations if they arise difficult emotions 

1. Porous boundaries: 

Tendency to overshare

Typically seeks affection

Has a hard time saying ‘no’ – people pleasing habits 

Overdependent on the opinions of others, and fear rejection. Codependency 

1. Healthy boundaries (love-based boundaries): 

Doesn’t over or undershare

Assertive without being disrespectful 

Creates a space of mutual trust and understanding 

Communicates needs lovingly 

Rigid boundaries and porous boundaries are both fear based boundaries — they include excessive over-connection or disconnection. 

Sometimes, they might seem like they come from a place of love but they’re still toxic. 

Usually, it’s high-emotion reactions where you feel either a really strong ‘yes’ or a strong ‘no’ that are red flags.

Because healthy boundaries are when you realize that it doesn’t have to be a matter of just ‘yes or no.’

Love-based boundaries are a matter of ‘how much’ not ‘yes or no.’

They are about choice, empowerment, freedom, and having the self-worth to assert your values and communicate them lovingly. 

You get to choose the proximity you have with every person in your life. Not everyone needs to be in your closest inner circle. 

You get to choose how much time, energy, resources, and love will flow out of you and into others.

How To Set Boundaries Lovingly AND Assertively

Here’s an important process for you to assess your personal relationships and take inventory of the boundaries you do have. 

1. Take inventory of your values: Identify what’s important to you and what boundaries you need to honor your values on a physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual level 
2. It takes courage and love to set healthy boundaries: It takes bravery to open up and share your emotional needs. It’s not enough to have love, you need power too.
3. Loyalty and love can sometimes show up as toxic patterns: If your boundaries deplete and drain you they need to change 
4. Evaluate your relationships: Are you being drained? Are your lines being crossed? Is the person aware of your values? 
5. Be lovingly self-aware of your own emotions: These emotions (even the uncomfortable ones) will lead you to what’s happening inside you. 

Disclaimer; uncomfortable emotions will arise during this process. 

There’s going to be short term discomfort, and that’s okay. 

But if you anticipate it, you will be much better prepared to contain these difficult emotions in an internal space of love.

Because there is a right and wrong way to express boundaries and if you do it right it shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable for a long time.  

The worst thing you can do is not express them at all. 

We all have boundaries whether we’re conscious of them or not (that’s why the identification step is so important!)

And what happens when someone close to you unintentionally crosses your boundaries?

You get triggered. You go into fear mode. 

You might isolate, lash out, disassociate or whatever your past programming tells you to do.

The best way to express your boundaries (to yourself and other people) is with both love and openness. 

The point of boundaries isn’t to determine how much distance you put between yourself and others. 

That’s still coming from an isolation point of view which is avoidance and rooted in fear. 

The purpose of boundaries is to make sure your values are honored.

Ready to tune into the full episode? 

Click here to listen on Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/boundaries-by-henry-ammar/id1313648725?i=1000476026992 

Click here to listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7D3rJkMybj203skAPFDxPy?si=1999f1877bf8450c